The BS File #4

I’m going to talk a little bit about why I walked away from the church. 

So, my daughter graduated from Texas A & M. Then she immediately went into the Army as an officer in Air Defense artillery. She served her country for 4 years. She was deployed into a combat zone in the Middle East for a full year where she worked 24 on, and 24 off ALL fucking YEAR. She is a 1st Lt Veteran. 

She just finished her masters. She works up north about 24 hours from me for an aerospace company. She is strong, beautiful, highly educated, loyal, hard-working and she also happens to be gay. 

I’m a loud ally of the LGBTQ community!

Let’s back up a little. She came out to me her freshman year of college. It was one of the hardest things she’s ever done. You see, she was so involved in her church that I picked on her and told her she was in a fucking cult. She did 4 day a week shit. She knows the Bible better than anyone I know. She loved the Lord with everything in her being. So, she thought, “I can’t possibly be gay.”  

When she told me all of this I cried for days. Let’s be fucking clear, it wasn’t because of her being gay. It was because all I could think of was “How long has she been carrying this alone? Am I a terrible mother, she never felt comfortable enough to tell me?” I felt like I had let her down. I felt like a failure. 

She later explained that she couldn’t admit it to herself much less anyone else until she knew in her heart that God accepted her as she was. She came to terms with that after a lot of prayer and study. She felt peace. 

Her small group of close friends who had never really been around “gay people” accepted her when she came out to them and loved her just the same, NOTHING changed. That was such a damn relief to me because I was ready to burn all their houses down if they didn’t. 

Her church on the other hand did not. She was no longer allowed in leadership, and she was slowly ghosted by each person involved with them. It. BROKE. Her. which in turn fucking DESTROYED me. I vowed that I would never belong to a church where my daughter wasn’t allowed the same treatment as everyone else. 

Let’s lay it out, in most cases, I could go in and participate in classes and some type of leadership with my multiple divorces but she can’t. John Doe who has a porn addiction can fucking teach us but the gay girl can’t. It’s all horse shit. Everyone in the church has baggage. 

So, I stopped going. I’m bitter. I’m angry at the people who damaged my daughter. I am angry with organized religion. I’m angry with people on my Facebook feed who believe she’s good enough to serve her country and fight for their fucking rights but not good enough to have the same rights. I’m angry about a lot of things. I’m still healing. I’m trying. 

I still believe in God. I have absolutely questioned my faith. I do often. I’m hanging on to hope. I’m hanging on to people being better than they have been. I’m hanging on to the thought of my heart softening. I’m hanging on to my daughter who is now 29, finding her way back to her beliefs as well. We both are trying to figure things out. We talk deep shit, often. 

With that said, I don’t believe church is within 4 walls. I don’t believe in organized religion anymore and all the rules that nobody can live up to. I see people post their Sunday pics and their scripture in their bio and then treat people like shit all week. I don’t trust people, but I have to believe there is something better out there. 

I do believe God understands my anger. He knows I’ve lost my faith in a lot of ways. He knows my daughter is an amazing human. He knows she has been wronged by people. She has been let down by many. 

I must believe at the end of this life He will wrap me in love and say, “I understand it all and I love you anyway.” 

Which is how we should all be towards each other. 

I’m crying now. This is enough vulnerability for one fucking week. Peace. 

XOXO,

B