The BS Files #8
Aging like fine wine that is a little sour.
I’m going through a very weird insecure stage in my life. I’ve always had so much confidence. I really had no reason for it, it’s not like I’m model material or anything. I got that quality from my mom. She was always so fucking beautiful. She was definitely model material. She had long beautiful blonde hair, green eyes, a killer body and just exuded confidence. Everyone stared at her when she walked into the room.
That’s one very strong memory I have of my mother. I was always proud of her beauty. She stood out from everyone. She instilled that sureness in me.
I think my confidence always made me a little more attractive than my looks alone did. I never felt ugly, until recently. I don’t even know if ugly is the proper word really. I just don’t always feel pretty. Perimenopause is kicking my ass. I’ve gained weight and I feel like I’ve aged so much in the past couple of years. I’m getting these weird spots EVERYWHERE that the dermatologist says are just “hereditary.” How fucking grand is that? My skin is dry. I smoked for so long and thought I quit in time to escape the smoker’s lines on my lips but nope, karma got me there too. I also have bad scar on my lip from an accident and that is shriveling as well. It just looks shitty.
I look in the mirror every day and notice another wrinkle or sagging area on my face. I’ve tried Botox but it does the opposite on me and makes everything droop. I’ve done lip filler for years and I’ve been trying to talk myself into breaking that addiction but I’m not sure my vanity will let me. It doesn’t get rid of the lip lines but it helps a little. I have Hashimoto’s disease and filler causes my immune system to fuck up a little. It also agitates inflammation. It’s sad that even though it affects me negatively health wise, I would still do it for appearances right? Like what the actual fuck? I make myself sick thinking about that.
I want to be the person who is so grateful to grow old. Who sees all the lines as a life well-lived. I want to be natural and happy with the skin I’m in. I’m just not there yet.
I’ve tried all sorts of skincare. The thing I’ve found that helps the most is good ol’ Tretinoin. You just can’t beat it. It’s prescription. My dermatologist prescribes it. She said there is nothing out there better for fine lines. I tried castor oil for a year based off of Dr. fucking TIKTOK. That shit didn’t work for me. I just started back on tretinoin, and my skin is improving.
I also dabble in Gua sha and red-light therapy. I really want one of those face masks with the red lights. I have a small red light for the house but it’s so hard to lay still for 20 minutes. I want the mask so I can function and move around while wearing it.
I will be doing an upper blepharoplasty soon too. My eyelids are droopy af. I’ll probably do that this year. I almost did it last year, but we ended up using the money I saved towards my car, but it’s coming soon. That’s an in-office procedure with a local anesthetic. I can handle that. I’d love to have a face lift but I’m terrified of surgery, so I’ll just be doing the less invasive in-office procedures that help pacify my ego.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because even though I am confident, I have just as many insecurities as the next person. I try to put it all out of my mind and remind myself that I’m beautiful with all my flaws, but I do struggle sometimes. I’m working on ending the negative self-talk. I’m sure it doesn’t help that my husband is 12 years younger than me. I want to stay young with him forever but that’s just not how it fucking works.
Hopefully I’ll learn to see the beauty in the lines. I think it’s just a weird transitional time for me. I’m changing. My body is changing. I’m just waiting on my mind to catch up. I think we are all are own biggest critic.
I preach self-love and confidence. It’s who I’ve always been. I will be that woman again. I’m fighting for her. She is still in there. I do still have confidence, but I have insecurities as well and I fucking hate it.
I’ll conquer those insecurities like I have everything else that tries to bring me down. Aging is a gift denied to many, so I’m going to stop bitching and just look in the mirror less, for now.
***I support all women, the natural, the ones who seek help from surgery, and the ones who are in between. Do what makes you feel beautiful.
XOXO,
B