The BS Files #7
Friendships
A lady recently said that she believes God never allows me to have a close girlfriend so I can be a friend to many.
That was one the sweetest things anyone had ever said to me because I think being an only child has contributed to my burning desire of that sisterhood that I’ve never really experienced.
Every “close” friend I thought I had when I was young either slept with the man I was with, attempted to, or betrayed me in some way that shattered my heart. That can only happen so many times before you just throw in the towel.
I think some of the causes in my 20’s and 30’s of not finding close bonds is also my fault. I’ve always consumed myself with my kids. When they were growing up, I spent all of my free time with them. I didn’t want to give my time to anyone else. Then, once they all three moved out, I realized I didn’t know who the fuck I was, and I had no friends. My life had been THEM and whatever they were involved in. I didn’t know who or what I really liked. To be honest, I looked at Mike and thought “Well, I hope I fucking like him now.” And I did. We just had to learn life with just us.
I also think my standards are high in the friend category. I need loyalty. If I have beef with someone my best friend should too. I need to trust them and depend on them. I guess I want my characteristics in someone else. I have always been the one that would bury a body without asking questions, but I’ve never met anyone who would do the same…except Mike.
It’s hard to find women who are at the same stage in life. My kids are grown, and I have freedom. I can do what I want when I want. I work from home. I have a great man who encourages me to get out. I am flexible and not all women are.
I’m also rough around the edges. I’m honest and blunt. Mike has always said that I relate better to men (hence hanging with him and my son). I have a potty mouth and a masculine energy. I’ll still throw down if needed and some women think I’m too much because of that. I am a lot, but I definitely would need a friend who’s not a pussy. It’s hard for me to respect a human who would tuck their tail and run if shit goes down.
I tried more in the past few years to open my heart to people, only to be disappointed. I reached out more than I was reached out too. I was turned down more than I was told yes to girl’s days. I was talked about behind my back. I was hurt often by women I believed were my “friends”. So, by the time 2025 hit. I was done.
I still catch myself yearning for friendship. I’d love someone to go get margaritas with, workout with, shop with, vent to, and love. I’m just not sure it’s in the cards for me. I mean at 51 what do you do? Go to the grocery store and hand out notes “Will you be my best friend?” Check YES or NO.
Most people are out for themselves, and it breaks my heart too much to continue to search for the sisterhood I’ve always craved. I don’t think I’ll ever find a woman who is feisty and loyal and ready to ride in all the ways. My daughter says I need a masc woman best friend. That I would fit better with a more masculine woman. That always makes me laugh, probably because it’s true.
I think deep down, I will always hope for it, but I have stopped believing it will happen. Mike will have to do. He’s my fucking pedicure partner, my margarita man, my shopping buddy, and everything in between. So, when I feel sorry for myself for not having besties, I regroup and really feel gratitude. There are many women who have all the girls, but they don’t have a Mike.
Mike is my best friend.
XOXO,
B